Jealousy and Fear

Thursday, March 20, 2014

I'm going to take a turn from usual optimism, and let out my inner demons with some brutal honestly. Sometimes writing out the darker stuff and manipulating it into something positive helps to banish those feelings or at least dim them a bit.


Oh how I am good friends with jealousy. I've been trying to ignore her calls, but she keeps leaving messages and filling up my voice mail with her nasty negativity.

I have a few friends on Facebook that have lost amazing amounts of weight and others who just seem to be naturally fit. Some of them have worked hard for a long time through fitness and diets, some had surgery, some seem to have managed to lose the weight quickly through healthy changes. Deep down, I know that each and every one of them fought hard to get where they are today and continue to fight to keep it. I know that. However, when I see those before and after pictures, of real people, my jealousy becomes this gigantic monster.

See? If you had stuck to it and not let your health become an excuse, you could have done it too. 

You could look like that if you had actually made an effort.

You'll never achieve what they have. You're weak. You'll never stick with it.

Ha! They cheated! They don't deserve what they have because they cheated by ___.

The thing is, I admire these women. I see the hard work they put in and I respect them for doing what was needed to reach their goals. But there's those days, those moments, where I feel like I'm in quick sand and I'll never get out, that I'm suddenly fiery with jealousy. It's just not fair.

The difference between them and myself? I have given up. Time and time again. I let my excuses get the better of me.

I don't feel good.

I need to focus on my kidneys first. 

I'm too busy.

I'm too depressed.

I'm too tired.

I don't care anymore.

In the real world though? I know they must have struggled with these things as well. I'm sure they tried and gave up hundreds of times before it finally clicked.


On the flip side, I see these after pictures and I read the comments on them. "You look amazing!" "Look how skinny you are now!" "I can't believe how beautiful you are!" Fear stabs me like an icicle, straight through my gut.

I don't want these comments. Does looking great post weight loss mean I'm not worth looking at now? I don't want the attention, I don't want to be noticed. I gained this weight for a reason. I gained so I wouldn't be noticed, so I wouldn't be attractive. I've read that this is common in victims of abuse. If I'm not attractive, no one will want to hurt me in that way again.

I don't want who I am now, to be undervalued once I've lost weight. Losing weight is not going to change who I am on the inside. Losing weight is not going to make me worth more as an individual. But seeing those comments, scares me. I'm afraid of what people will say. I'm afraid of seeing someone after a long time and not being recognized. I'm afraid of not recognizing myself in the mirror. I'm afraid of becoming over confident and losing a grip on who I am. I'm afraid of change.

Here's the thing though, if I want to be here, if I want to become a grandmother and live a full life, I have to work through these feelings. I have to push through it and do it anyway. This is not a choice, it's a requirement to live. 

So here I am. These are my honest to God, true feelings. I'm taking this negativity, pushing it out and spinning the hell out of it until I start to feel optimistic. Yes, I'm jealous. But these women have something to give - inspiration. Yes, I'm afraid. But life is scary. Change is scary. Everything worth doing is scary. If it wasn't so frightening, the end goal wouldn't feel so victorious!

I'm going to fight these demons. I'm going to win.

Tasty and Healthy Food

Wednesday, March 19, 2014

I'm chugging along on my weekly challenge. I've managed to fit in 30 minutes of exercise or activity each day and continuing to drink my water. My trust pink 32 oz has been with me everywhere I go and refilled several times a day.

Although I have not added nutrition into my weekly challenge, working out has encouraged me to eat healthier. It's defeating to work so hard physically, just to undone it through my diet. Plus, the thought of greasy food after exercise is just sickening.

I've started tracking my calorie intake and burn through Sparkpeople. I've found in the past that it's not a good idea for me to track my intake constantly. Watching those numbers makes me want to restrict myself in an unhealthy way. Never a good idea for a person struggling with an eating disorder! However, I find that it is good for me to track here and there so I have an idea on how I'm doing.

Since tracking this week, I've noticed the skipping breakfast has been throwing my calories off for the full day. One day, I had only managed to consume 1100 calories even though I had had snacks as well as lunch and dinner. Not nearly enough to support my body through exercise!

I went to Publix last night to grab a few things for lunches. In the checkout lane, I couldn't help to look at the items the customer ahead of me was purchasing. I play this game fairly often. Most times, I manage to stand there and beat myself up over my cart. Last night, however, I walked away feeling empowered and proud of my choices.

Thanks to my healthy choices at the store, I was able to make a delicious smoothie this morning with strawberries, bananas, spinach, carrots, oatmeal, flaxseed meal, almond meal and coconut oil. Very filling!

I'm really looking forward to making this Crustless Quiche later this week and this Avocado Breakfast Bake. While pinning these to my forgotten Pinterest, I came across this Creamy Avocado Pasta that I made about a few years ago. It was very good (with black pepper) with whole wheat noodles. Now I'm mad that I only made it that one time! So this is going on the menu very soon as well!

Mmm, and peaches are in season here. I love juicy peaches!

Don't tell, but I find healthy eating much more exciting than the millions of greasy, cheesy casseroles that used to grace our table. Cooking and eating new things is a lot of fun!

And I'm looking forward to my weigh in on Friday! Boy is it nice to look forward to the scale rather than being afraid of how much higher it's climbed!

Do you have a recipe to share? Email me!

My Motivation

Monday, March 17, 2014

Motivation Board. Picture of myself soon after the birth of my son. I have a rough pregnancy that caused me to lose 45 lbs. Although this picture does not represent my goal weight, I remember feeling good about myself when I took this picture. My daughter when she was 18 months, and my son who passed away just before his 2nd birthday.

I made this motivation board when I first started my journey. Seeing these things as my desktop background each day was a great reminder to keep going. Over time, I became used to the pictures in front of me and stopped seeing them. Times like this it's a good exercise to remind yourself of why the end goal is so important in the first place. With that in mind, here are 51 reasons why I'm doing this.

1. To be able to play with my kids, without wearing out instantly.
2. To not be the fat mom.
3. To not be the fat friend.
4. To never shop in a plus size store again.
5. To look in the mirror and know that I worked for my body.
6. To be able to proudly shout "I did it!"
7. To set a good example for my children.
8. To show others that when you set your mind to something, even when the end goal is daunting, it's possible.
9. To be excited to visit people I haven't seen in a long time, rather than worrying about them seeing what I've become.
10. To never have to tell the doctor that their scale doesn't go high enough. 
11. To never have to worry about weight limits.
12. To eat without guilt.
13. To pose in pictures without praying over the result.
14. To not cringe when Facebook notifies me that I've been tagged in a picture.
15. To no longer starve myself out of anger. 
16. To feel worth it.
17. To walk into a room and not notice the food.
18. To live an active lifestyle.
19. To not have people laugh and ask why I listed "hiking" as a hobby, as if I'm incapable of enjoying something active.
20. To jump rope, play hopscotch, play tag, and be a kid again.
21. To run.
22. To state my weight or clothing size without feeling mortified.
23. To make my husband proud to introduce me to his co-workers.
24. To wear that little black dress.
25. To dance.
26. To not fear lifting my arms above my head.
27. To hold a yoga pose with correct form.
28. To walk in a bathing suit without feeling like all eyes are watching my thighs.
29. To never stating "I just wish I could lose the weight..."
30. To never have to start again.
31. To feel like more than just a number on a scale.
32. To have energy.
33. To save my joints.
34. To inspire someone.
35. To be a good role model.
36. To go on a shopping spree.
37. To renew our wedding vows and having a huge anniversary party...while wearing a sexy dress and dancing the night away.
38. To fit.
39. To never receive a lecture about my weight at the doctor's office.
40. To never leave the doctor's office in tears because the doctor only sees my weight, and not my illnesses.
41. To be the friend that gets asked for fashion advice.
42. To be more than the funny girl.
43. To never hear "You have such a pretty face" again.
44. To go on all the rides.
45. To ride a horse.
46. To hike part of the Appalachian Trail.
47. To run a marathon.
48. To be asked to run a marathon.
49. To be remembered.
50. To not cry in a fitting room.
51. To be a success story.

Weekly Challenge - Week 2

Friday, March 14, 2014

Last week, I began the first week of my weekly challenges. I started with the one that I felt was most needed for my health; drinking more water. I was aiming for 5 bottles per day. 

I have definitely noticed a big difference in the days that I've done well with my water intake. I'm less tired, sore, less headaches, and just generally feel better when I drink enough water. My husband also decided to drink more water and cut out soda during this time. The past few days has been rough on him, he had gotten used to turning to a soda mid-day to help combat that mid-day slump and is now experiencing some caffeine withdrawal. I am so proud of him for sticking with it and thankful for his support. 

As a result of my increased water intake, I lost 4 lbs this week! This puts me at 14 lbs down from my highest weight with 142 lbs remaining to go. It's still a long weigh to go, but I know I can do this with the support of my readers and my dedication. I'm happy with this start.

Now onto week two! I will be continuing my increased water intake and add in a minimum on ten minutes of exercise each day. I know that ten minutes does not seem like a lot, but the purpose is to get myself moving. I actually set that 10 minute goal a few days ago and once I hit 10 minutes, I thought that was easy, so I did another 20. It's much easier to hit those larger numbers when the goal is just to move. As time moves on, I'll increase that minimum. So in short, the goal here is about movement. 

Do you find it easier to focus on the main picture or to break your goals up into smaller ones?

Little Steps, Big Changes

Wednesday, March 12, 2014

I am guilty of beating myself up for not succeeding when I set goals for myself. The formula is typically the same. Big Expectations + Big Goals = Big Failure. There's been tons of articles about setting Smart Goals. I'll be honest, I've just always calculated out 2 lbs per week over x amount of time and got mad at myself when it didn't work out. Of course, by setting myself up with this formula, I'm leaving myself no room for error. And let's be real here, we're all going to make errors. I'm not saying that we should give ourselves permission to stray or give up, but sometimes it's that strictness that drives us to failure. 

I'm in the process of writing out my goals and breaking them down step by step. Every race starts with one step, one minute, one decision to do better

One thing I do know, is that I will be making weekly challenges for myself for motivation starting each Friday along with weekly weigh ins. This past Friday, I began a challenge to increase my water intake. This particular goal is especially important to me due to my chronic dehydration and kidney problems. Beyond that, water is good for you and stuff! Not only do our bodies need water, drinking water can boost your success losing weight.
Many good things to come. 

Questions? Suggestions for future posts? Comment below!

Year In Review - 2013

Tuesday, March 11, 2014

Get Busy Living - Your Year in Review

10 greatest things that happened in the past year 

1. Bought a house

2. Got a dog

3. Began Healthy Eating
4. Celebrated our first Halloween in our new home with our friends and neighbors.

5. Celebrated Heather's 21st Birthday at a comedy club

6. Bought and wore this ridiculous hat (because it made me laugh) at our first Cards Against Humanity night with friends.

7. Learned to smile again.

8. Games nights with Meghan

9. Potty Trained Meghan...Seriously.

10. Celebrated our first Christmas in our home

I am most proud of these three accomplishments from the last year
1. Taking charge of my health and relying less on medications to get me through.
2. Learning to say no and to put myself first. 
3. Learning that's it ok to laugh

Three Great Lessons I've learned from last year
1. Love only dies if you let it.
2. Happiness doesn't belittle the pain, it just makes it easier to cope.
3. Good health is something you fight for, not something you're given. 

Three personal developments I have made in the past year are:
1. Getting off of multiple medications 
2. Feeling safe within my own home
3. Becoming more independent 

If I could do things again last year, I would do these three things differently:
1. Drink more water!
2. Not beat myself up so much
3. Speak up and stand up for myself more.

Three things I need to do less of in the next year are:1. Eat out
2. Waste
3. Put myself down

Three things I need to do more of in the next year are:
1. Make my health a priority.
2. Find ways to spend more quality time with my family.
3. Accept that everyone makes mistakes...even me.

Three things I need to stop completely during the next year are:
1. Allowing myself to become dehydrated.
2. Forgetting to take time for myself.
3. Putting my health last.

Three reasons I didn't achieve my goals last year are:
1. Health problems.
2. Self esteem.
3. Making excuses.

Three goals I want to achieve this next year are:
1. Med free 2014!
2. Continue to lose weight.
3. Read 50 books (34% there!).

Three reasons why I want to achieve these goals are:
1. My health is important.
2. My self esteem is unfortunately affected by my weight. 
3. Personal time and books are important to me. 

Smartest Decision I made last year:
Putting my health first.

Biggest Risk I took last year:
Beginning to get off of my medications

One sentence that sums up this past year:
My health does not define me.

One year from right now, I want my ideal day to look like this:
Energy to get through my days, freedom to laugh and smile, confidence in myself...and shopping sprees for smaller clothes. :D

*This was a therapy assignment. If you are interested in doing this work sheet for yourself, you can find it here.

Even if you don't see it...

Wednesday, March 5, 2014

I am aware that many of you probably think I have given up. The truth of the matter is that I switched tracks completely. My goal, all along has been to get healthy. Losing weight is just one of the things I feel is necessary for me to become a healthier version of me. 

Since my last post, I have battled more kidney issues, migraines, two episodes of bronchitis, and pneumonia. I took this as a sign from my body that watching my calories and exercising just wasn't enough. Although it slowed my weight loss progress, I decided to start focusing more on my physical pain. 

Over the past year, I have ditched many of my medications and have began to manage my pain through more natural resources. I was able to get off of eight different prescriptions and only have one left to go. My need to take something to help with my pain has diminished from several times a week down to once every couple of weeks. My pain is in no means gone, it never will be, but I have learned to manage with vitamins, hot showers and baths, cutting out foods that cause pain, and gentle exercise. 

Although I am no longer on a migraine preventative, I only experience migraines 2-3 times a month compared to the 3-4 a week I was having. I no longer have daily headaches...period. 

I have given up beef, pork, dairy, white sugar, white flour, and potatoes. I will be the first to admit that I do give in to the sugar and flour once in a while, but I've been pretty good about living without. Eating out is extremely frustrating, but that's ok! Eating out has become a big downfall of mine and is a bad habit I need to break for my health anyhow. 

Since changing my diet, ditching the medications, and adding in vitamins, I have seen changes in not only my pain levels, but also my mood, my depression, and my energy levels. 

Another added bonus, is that by cutting out medications, the doctors that prescribe them (I was seeing FOUR specialists), and eating out I am able to save unspeakable amounts of money. I could do that math to prove my point, but it makes me feel sick to think about how much I was spending on these things.

I've given medical intervention a solid try, it only made me sicker. Instead, I'm giving living healthy my all. It's paying off!

Now, if you read this and wondered what this track jumping did for my weight, here's your answer. I have not gained a single pound. I am still down 10-15 lbs (depending on the day) from my starting weight and down 1-2 sizes. 

This year has a lot of great things in store for me and I cannot wait to share my progress each step of the way!

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