Failure

Tuesday, July 17, 2012

“We seem to gain wisdom more readily through our failures than through our successes. We always think of failure as the antithesis of success, but it isn't. Success often lies just the other side of failure.”
Leo F. Buscaglia


I failed. I gave up. I wimped out.



Tonight, I walked out of a class.


As part of the Face 2 Face program at the gym, it was recommended that I integrate classes into my fitness routine. Last week at my weight training meeting, I received a suggestion for a class from one of the trainers. If I completed the class, my name would be entered to win a "prize". I don't know what the so called prize would've been and maybe that's a good thing.


I've been having a hard time emotionally and have had to push myself extra hard each day. It was hard to find the motivation to try a new class. I was determined to push through it even though I just wanted the comfort of my bed.


I got to the gym a few minutes early and had to stand outside the group fitness room with several other women. This negative self talk was running high. "Those women are younger than me. They're thinner and fitter than me."


I entered with the others and followed their lead, choosing equipment and finding a place to set my stuff. When the instructor started handing out jump ropes I panicked. Then she started saying that all the tall people needed to move to spots that weren't under ceiling fans because of all the jumping jacks and jump roping we were going to be doing.


I picked up my water bottle and walked out the door.


I gave up without even trying.


As I reached the bottom of the stairs, my defeat started weighing heavily on me and pulling towards the exit that would take me back to home. I took a deep breath, turned away from the door and continued on to the weight line. I took my frustrations on the weights, pushing to 20 reps on most every machine. I got on the bike and then the treadmill. Finally, when I started shaking and those thoughts started bubbling over, I went to the steam room.


I sat alone, in the steam room for a good 15 minutes. I was unprepared and didn't have my bathing suit, so I sat there in my gym clothes until they were soaked. After a few minutes, I couldn't tell what was wetness from the humidity in the room and what was sweat...or tears.


I beat myself up for not trying. I asked myself why I was doing this at all. Why bother? I told myself I'd never succeed, that if I couldn't keep up then it wasn't worth fighting for.


And then I stopped. Who says I need to be able to jump rope to lose weight? Or ever? So what if I never jump rope again in my life? I didn't like jumping rope when I was a kid, I don't have to do it now either. Maybe all the jumping around won't hurt later on when I'm fit and healthy, but who says I have to do it?


Would I have been better off having pushed myself through that class and suffered the consequences later? Would I have been proud of myself tomorrow when I would have had to cancel the rest of my week so I could stay in bed with my pain pills? I don't think so.


Yes, I walked out on class that wasn't right for me. But I made the right decision for me and my body. I can lose weight without injuring myself in the process.



“Doubt yourself and you doubt everything you see. Judge yourself and you see judges everywhere. But if you listen to the sound of your own voice, you can rise above doubt and judgment. And you can see forever.”
 Nancy Lopez