Jealousy and Fear

Thursday, March 20, 2014

I'm going to take a turn from usual optimism, and let out my inner demons with some brutal honestly. Sometimes writing out the darker stuff and manipulating it into something positive helps to banish those feelings or at least dim them a bit.


Oh how I am good friends with jealousy. I've been trying to ignore her calls, but she keeps leaving messages and filling up my voice mail with her nasty negativity.

I have a few friends on Facebook that have lost amazing amounts of weight and others who just seem to be naturally fit. Some of them have worked hard for a long time through fitness and diets, some had surgery, some seem to have managed to lose the weight quickly through healthy changes. Deep down, I know that each and every one of them fought hard to get where they are today and continue to fight to keep it. I know that. However, when I see those before and after pictures, of real people, my jealousy becomes this gigantic monster.

See? If you had stuck to it and not let your health become an excuse, you could have done it too. 

You could look like that if you had actually made an effort.

You'll never achieve what they have. You're weak. You'll never stick with it.

Ha! They cheated! They don't deserve what they have because they cheated by ___.

The thing is, I admire these women. I see the hard work they put in and I respect them for doing what was needed to reach their goals. But there's those days, those moments, where I feel like I'm in quick sand and I'll never get out, that I'm suddenly fiery with jealousy. It's just not fair.

The difference between them and myself? I have given up. Time and time again. I let my excuses get the better of me.

I don't feel good.

I need to focus on my kidneys first. 

I'm too busy.

I'm too depressed.

I'm too tired.

I don't care anymore.

In the real world though? I know they must have struggled with these things as well. I'm sure they tried and gave up hundreds of times before it finally clicked.


On the flip side, I see these after pictures and I read the comments on them. "You look amazing!" "Look how skinny you are now!" "I can't believe how beautiful you are!" Fear stabs me like an icicle, straight through my gut.

I don't want these comments. Does looking great post weight loss mean I'm not worth looking at now? I don't want the attention, I don't want to be noticed. I gained this weight for a reason. I gained so I wouldn't be noticed, so I wouldn't be attractive. I've read that this is common in victims of abuse. If I'm not attractive, no one will want to hurt me in that way again.

I don't want who I am now, to be undervalued once I've lost weight. Losing weight is not going to change who I am on the inside. Losing weight is not going to make me worth more as an individual. But seeing those comments, scares me. I'm afraid of what people will say. I'm afraid of seeing someone after a long time and not being recognized. I'm afraid of not recognizing myself in the mirror. I'm afraid of becoming over confident and losing a grip on who I am. I'm afraid of change.

Here's the thing though, if I want to be here, if I want to become a grandmother and live a full life, I have to work through these feelings. I have to push through it and do it anyway. This is not a choice, it's a requirement to live. 

So here I am. These are my honest to God, true feelings. I'm taking this negativity, pushing it out and spinning the hell out of it until I start to feel optimistic. Yes, I'm jealous. But these women have something to give - inspiration. Yes, I'm afraid. But life is scary. Change is scary. Everything worth doing is scary. If it wasn't so frightening, the end goal wouldn't feel so victorious!

I'm going to fight these demons. I'm going to win.


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